My Inside Voice at Work


Sometimes the people in the office can really get on the nerves. I normally have incredible diplomacy, patience, and great days in the office, but sometimes my inside voice really wants to deal with some of these typical office pests.

The Brown Noser

This clown can be regularly found setting up shop inside the boss’ asshole. It’s like they find a way to move right in there, all nestled in with furniture and a long term lease. These fuckers usually manage to get away with doing absolutely nothing. Does anyone make hats that look like an ass? Because I may pick one up and secretly leave it on Brown Noser’s desk. Nice and subtle.

The Slacker

This yahoo can be very frustrating to work with, since he rarely answers emails or follows through with anything. When I’m tired of being diplomatic and I still need The Slacker to do their portion of the work, I stalk them incessantly. I show up to their office in person, and ask them very specific questions about exactly what work they have done until they admit they have done nothing. Awkward…

The Teflon

This person always shows up with some sneaky, shifty way to pawn their work off. They spend more time and energy on working at not working. I’ve decided that when this person comes around, it might be fun to start barking like a dog. They’ll think I’m nuts, but I’m willing to bet they won’t come by for a while. Mission accomplished!

The Lingo Lover

“I’m on a really big learning curve with championing this change in our centres of excellence, so I do have an “ask” for you guys…please try not to cringe or puke while I speak to you in this nasal, whining tone on my journey to achieving my goals” … I hope she finds another job somewhere else.

The Bitch

This woman is mean to everyone, extra mean to the new people, and always has a scowl on her face with a mouth that looks like a pursed asshole. Know what I think she needs? To get laid.

The Space Invader

What is with people who get so uncomfortably close, they end up making you feel teenage awkward? Know what I think will make them stop forever? A good old fashioned chest bump.

The Backstabber

Quite often doubling as the Brown Noser, this twatwaffle is worse than The Bitch. Pretending to be a friend while plotting to be a foe. For this one, I just believe that karma; which is actually pronounced “haha fuck you”; will beautifully play out in the end.

What does your inside work voice want to say?