Once you hit 30, you inevitably start feeling the pull of middle age. Once you hit 40, however, the shit really hits the proverbial fan. This is no joke anymore. And some of the physical changes feel like they happen overnight – the life preserver around your midsection. The gray hair. The crackling bones and the sudden malfunction of all your muscles. The struggle is real, people. And, of course, it goes without saying that we all miss our highly elastic skin and bikini bodies of days past. But there are also some less obvious things I miss from my younger days, and I’ve shared them below.
- When you were young, you didn’t have to strategize about taking photos. You just took them! And they were fun! And you couldn’t wait to get them back (yes, this was the pre-digital age). Now, you get instant gratification and, by “gratification”, I mean you can see instantly see how much you fuckinghatethewayyoulookohmygodwhathappenedtomyface. Taking photos has become agonizing, as it’s a struggle just to get your head in that awkward “no double chin” angle. If you’re in a group, it’s an even bigger shit show, as everyone has to get their best side, and if you even dare put a photo up without getting permission, these women will cut you.
- When you were young, you didn’t do the death mental math. Now, you think to yourself, “Even if I live to 80, that’s only 37 more years. 37 more years! What about that novel I was going to write? Fuck!”
- When you were young, you had good stories to tell, and lots of fresh material. You went places. You did things. You had fodder. You never started a story with, “This one time, my son peed in my eye…”
- You could be spontaneous. These days, you can’t be spontaneous about, well, anything. “A trip to Vegas? Wow, that sounds great. Let me check with the babysitter, dogsitter, housesitter, lizard-sitter, plant-waterer…oh, and my financial planner.” Responsibilities suck.
- When you were young, you likely had periods (and possibly even extended periods) where you didn’t have to be monogamous. Remember seeing penises before your husband’s? Nope, me neither.
- You could make mistakes and people blamed it on your youth. Now, people just think you’re a dumb fuck.
- When you entertained when you were young, people expected a few bags of chips and a keg of beer. Now, you better have crafted some sort of Pinterest-to-table theme or décor, and it’s:
- Yes, but is this craft beer?
- How many calories are in this beer?
- Is this cheese cruelty-free?
- Paper plates? Oh, I guess we don’t care about the environment.
- Ooh, I love pigs in a blanket, but have you seen what they do to pigs in those tiny pens?
- You could eat with abandon, or at least a bit of abandon. It’s not just the constant counting of calories these days but, rather, the way food affects you. You want to down the rest of your kid’s milkshake, dammit, as you can taste how fucking amazing it is before it even hits your lips. You know, however, that you’ll propel your way through Target with a foul-smelling gas that you can’t blame on your dog. Damn you, lactose intolerance!
- Hangover-free days! Man, how I miss those! If I even look at a second martini these days, the bile rises up in the back of my throat as a giant reminder that tomorrow is going to be a trip to the innermost circles of hell.
Marnie is a freelance writer, lyrical prankster, and mom to two boys – Finn, 6, and Declan, 4. She started out as a Copywriter for FOX’s americanidol.com and has since written for sites like LivingSocial, Red Tricycle, and Wetpaint. Marnie has also been published twice in San Diego Magazine’s “best of” segments. Her writing on parenting has been featured several times on the popular Scary Mommy blog and on Disney’s parenting website, Babble. This busy North County San Diego resident also hosts a mommy blog called LoveButBlog, which takes a rather irreverent look at the trials of motherhood and marriage.
On top of raising two nutty boys, she wrangles two portly pugs named Olive and Fred. When she’s not writing or wiping noses and buns, she’s working out, indulging in her trashy TV addiction with her equally addicted husband, cracking a bottle of Malbec, or fantasizing about her dream trip to the Amalfi Coast in Italy. Find her socializing the media on Facebook and Twitter.