Courage doesn’t mean not being afraid. It means facing your fears and doing it anyway. This can be applied to looking for work, battling a bully at the office, or asking that perfect woman out.
Note: We’re talking about actual eye-to-eye contact, not hiding behind a computer. While the internet can be a helpful tool in finding someone special, there’s something to be said for practicing what your mama taught you: manners, eye contact, graciousness and good old fashioned conversation.
Here are some things to consider when it comes to fear, failure and dating.
What Are You Afraid Of?
Whether it’s the single file clerk with the retro cat-eye glasses you’ve been oogling at the office for five years, or it’s the mysterious barista whose only words to you have been “Jake Half Café Latte,” you owe it to yourself to take a chance and invite her for out. (Even if it’s just to tell her, “I love the pin-up look” or “My name is Jack, not Jake.”) Who you are – and your actual birth name – matters!
What She Thinks Doesn’t Matter
Bernard M. Baruch said it best:
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
If she’s a fit for you, you’ll be glad you finally revved up the confidence to ask her out. If she’s not a fit for you, or rejects you, at least you didn’t reject yourself. You gave yourself the opportunity to practice self-worth. You are worth it. If you don’t think you are, that’s the bigger problem, not your dream girl’s rejection.
Confidence Takes Work
We aren’t all born confident. In fact, many of us have spent our lives having the confidence pounded out of us by people, places and things. The only way to reverse this unfortunate series of events is to stop acting like a victim. Maybe some bad things actually happened to us, but maybe we’re just wired for negativity? We don’t have to live with wonky genetics. Each day is a new beginning. Did professional basketball players dunk overnight? No. When they started out, they couldn’t even catch a ball. Why not apply that same logic to yourself and start slowly. Ask her out. If she says no, dust yourself off and try again. Even better, get a coach! (See the next tip.)
Get a Dating Coach!
Before you scoff, this is not a half-bad idea if we do say so ourselves. Even the best athletes allow people better than themselves to direct their every move. Why can’t you do this when it comes to women? Perhaps a good friend of yours dates hotter women than an Atlanta sidewalk in July. (Even more of a head scratcher? He’s uglier than one, too!) If you are sexier and smarter than your buddy, but he’s got the hot chicks on his arm, it’s time to admit defeat and ask for help. How can you be like that star athlete? How can you get your game on?
Talk to a Therapist (link other article on therapy here.)
This might sound dramatic, but it’s actually quite sensible. You can spend time and effort asking out women that are ultimately going to disappoint you, or you can get to the root of why you aren’t asking out the right women in the first place. Is it fear of rejection? No father figure at home? Lack of a good job? Feelings of inadequacy left over from when a sixth grade girl called you “Tubby” at swim practice? As silly as these examples might sound, words have the power to hurt people and shape their lives in unconscious ways. It’s time to get conscious and authentically live the life you are meant to live. Are you going to let your future be defined by a mean middle school girl or are you going to move forward with a mature, wonderful woman who can make you happy? Solid counseling can help you get on this path. Investment in the short term pain could mean a lifetime of positive gain. You never know what amazing person will be walking down the path with you.
Make Rejection Your Friend
If you’re not asking a girl out for fear of being rejected that’s, well, stupid. Chances are you will get rejected. And really, in the long run, does it matter? Think of dating like a marathon, not a sprint. This means you get to stretch before you run. You must go in prepared for the long haul. Don’t expect to win the trophy your first go-around.
Dating or Marriage? Be Clear About Your Goals
What is your overall goal? To date that one perfect girl (Um, another reality check: Stop being so obsessive) or to have someone who adores you as much as you adore her? If it’s the second option, then rejection doesn’t really matter, because your future isn’t based on one woman’s answer. It’s based on the odds that eventually the right woman will say yes.
Leave a comment
Women, we’d love to hear about what turns you on and off when being asked out. And men, tell us what makes you most nervous when it comes to asking someone on a date.
Andrea Frazer is a published TV, magazine, newspaper and blog writer. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband of 15 years, her two kids, a renter and one crazy but lovable rescue dog. Most days she can be found writing for several media outlets, thrift store shopping, ferrying her kids around town or promoting her upcoming book, Happily Ticked Off: One Mother’s Journey from Despair to Hope Over Her Son’s Tourette Syndrome Diagnosis. You can find her at blogging at Happily Ticked Off, on Facebook@ AndreaFrazerWrites or on Twitter @AndreaFrazerWrites.